Hobby please.

I've always been happy dabbling in everything, trying new things and fitting in with different crowds. Now that I have lived here over 10.5 months, still without a lot of friends, I really need to tune into what I want to do with my free time.
If I don't preplan things I end up not doing anything or opposite from what I should be doing.
This weekend I watched 2 seasons of 12 1 hour episodes of Sons of Anarchy (great FX channel show but needs more sex). Yup. Almost 24 hours of tv straight. I don't usually watch programs because that's what happens when I find a new show I love. Then I am left in a dream world wondering what my life would be if I was in that life.
I'm also left heart broken because I usually am not able to stream all seasons due to the channel not releasing them - and I haven't pirated video in a few years.

Anyhow, I would like to find my calling soon as I'm getting a little restless and starting to get wonderlust.

First day back.

Had a session with my trainer today. Felt good to be active again- my body was trying to figure out what was going on after weeks of nothing.

She has dropped many inches and made me jealous. She said she has changed her diet and has been doing more floor work. It came about after her sister, who she hadn't seen in a long time, commented how big she was. She is Chinese and has a slightly bigger build so has been made fun of most her life for not being like the others and therefore has low self esteem.. go figure, even trainers have body issues. She is looking so lean and fabulous.

We always have great conversation as she is easy to talk to and brings a lot out of me that I can't easily say to others. It's as tho I can use her to outwardly express all the things I know deep down but am too scared to say or don't want to say.

I was able to get a lot out today that has been weighing on me and hopefully will clear my mind for steps I need to take to get back to getting to my goals.

I will get there.

The weight of it all.

Every morning is supposed to be the first day I start walking again. I keep reminding myself how I used to do it, I can do it and will do it, but these little pep talks yield no return. This morning I even got as far as putting my sports bra and t-shirt on.
I thought that having a trainer would do it but when he left the substitute just didn't cut it. I'm trying to forget the ridiculous price I paid.
When I see the clock at 5:15am, nothing says to me "get up and exercise." I love sleep too much for that shit.
And then there is my diet... I know what I need and should be doing, but apparently haven't accepted the fact that I can't eat the same way others do without counteracting it some way.
I feel gross.

Left from right

Sometimes I get me not being worth loving and them not being worth loving confused.

Size doesn't matter??

I never imagine my size as what I truely am. My fiend Alma is a gorgeous latina with some serious hips and ass. I don't see myself that much bigger than her aside from my belly but in reality I wear a pant size 10, shirt l and she wears a size 4 pant, shirt xs.

I was feeling confident about my outfit today- black fitted pants with a pink thin sweater. When I saw my reflection in the mirror at dinner I felt ashamed.

Why is it so hard to be happy with myself?

Less stress = more :)

Title says it all.

Train talk.

I spend a lot of time on the train, at least 2 hours of my day. During that time it's mostly quiet. The passengers are usually still fighting to wake up or are so exhausted from their day that they are fighting to stay awake. It's rare to make eye contact except from the occasional few that are just plain staring.

Mornings are great for what I call "the crazy train." That's apparently when the good lord speaks the most through his people. Correction: yells through his people. Somehow I have the exact same morning  schedule and throught process for train selection as others because I often wind up on the train with the exact same crazies.
I can only laugh when said people go on and on(often making no sense) and then pick up their bags to get off at their stop as if nothing had just happened. I like to imagine what kind of job position they hold.

Yesterday a child was yelling (granted the kid was at his developmental stage where all they do is yell) and his father told him to quiet down while on the train and I thought to myself, why is it that as a society we will gawk and glare when a child (who is still learning how to have self control) is loud but when a fully grown adult is making a scene we close our eyes and pretend not to notice?

Evening trains are when the pan handlers and performers come out. The women that just ask for money  usually have a starving child at home and the men claim to need help to get their act together. Yes some of them are honest, but when I smile and say "not tonight" please don't stand there, make yourself cry and then beg the lord for forgiveness. It doesn't help.

Guitars, keyboards, drums, electric saxophone, accordion, yes I've seen a variety of instruments played in the train - some well and the others I often have to question if the instrument is broken or if the person really sucks that bad.

Young men often have dance routines to display. Using the poles and bars to do flips from.

There are also the bootleg dvds (usually sold by Koreans and are pornographic), candy bars/ fruit snacks and incense sellers.

The talent and degree of begging changes with the train and demographic it travels towards but is most concentrated in Manhattan up too the early 100's where all types of people are riding- wouldn't make sense to seek help from the poor.

My current train is very quiet except for the occasional adolescent getting overly expressive. I usually get a seat both ways which helps since my back continues to give me issues and the ride is long.

All but 15 minutes of the ride is above ground allowing me to see some fantastic views of the Manhattan skyline, Brooklyn and queens. My favorite morning was when the air was thick of fog and a light lawyer of snow covered the cemetery.

It's comforting to see familiar faces when traveling. Eases some of the loneliness I often feel when I realize I'm not in Kansas anymore.

I love not having to drive myself everywhere but also hate that some things aren't as convenient without my own transportation living as far as I do.

I used to spend just over a hour driving to SF to party. Now I spend just over a hour on the train to get to work.

When I first moved here it was 89$ but bumped to 104$ for a monthly unlimited pass (or 2.25 per ride) in January. Most corporations offer a discount or partial pay benefits, but of course not the one I work for. The pass is good for the train(subway) and busses(excluding special express ones). It's a lot less expensive than the long island or new jersey railroad which each cost over 300 a month- those are more like Amtrak type trains and more well kept.

Ok, enough train nonsense.

Welcomed thoughts.

Death consumed my thoughts on the train ride to work yesterday. I had been thinking lovely thoughts about how I feel I'm finally doing something right and how this can't really be all there is, is it?
I was scared/ confused/ saddened not about death but that when I do go I may not remember all the beauty I've seen, all the things I've accomplished or all the amazing people I love. My mind kept trying to wrap around the possibility of not remembering my own existence until there where tears running down my cheeks.
I tend to put things off for another day, but I'm not guaranteed another day and if this is all there is I better make the most out if it before my time runs out. And so, four months into it, I've finally found the theme for my 28th year.

Doing now (or as close to now) what I would have put off or not done at all.

First task- shave my legs. Hah!!

I want my time back.

In CA I had way too much free time, now I have very little.
I went from a 30 hour work week to  40+ all of which I was fully aware would happen when I moved.
The thing I was not expecting was the amount of love I would find again for living.
I feel like the honeymoon stage of being here is coming to an end only because things are becoming more and more familiar and I can navigate around less and less without a map. But at the same time its like a first meeting everyday because I'm uplifted by the beauty that's everywhere and in everything. I'm not talking about the type of beauty that's manifested through clothes or the blooming spring flowers (which there is plenty of). I'm referring to the beauty of history and lessons. I love observing everything (not a new hobby) and imagining a story for each thing/person based on what I perceive (new hobby) and what lesson I might be able to take from it.
And this is why I want my time back- I want to learn more.

I plan to be making more big steps in the next year towards this goal among many others.

Onward and Upward

Life has me busy. I have every intention of updating everyone individually, but I find that I just keep putting it off. So the easiest way will be to keep my blog updated.


In this blog you will find some details about 1. My new home 2. My planned trip to CA


1.My new home
I can't wait to have a moment to take pics to show! I moved into a 6 bedroom (one room is a converted sun room and mine is actually more like an office), 1.5 bath, 3 story old home. It's MASSIVE, the four main bedrooms (two are the attic converted) are each the size of a decent sized studio. My room is the smallest room. It's enough for my twin bed, close hanging unit and a few other small items -its small but still comfortable. All rooms have high ceilings and windows. I live with 5 other women who are all around my age. A little bit about the girls:
Solana -DJ, who as it turns out knows a few people I have met out and about. She works for a record label and does some event work.
Katy -recently became the "head" of the house. I forget her day job, but she also goes to massage school and has a weekend/night job as a receptionist at one of the largest clubs in SF. She also does capoeira -something I have been interested in for a while. I am looking forward to going to a class with her.
Jordan -she coaches swimming
Emily -Burlesque dancing fire eater... yeah!
(Catilyn) Grady- she is the only one I have not yet met. Her and her bf recently going into the organic meat raising business and have a farm upstate, so it is rare she is at the house. She used to be the "head."
Everyone's schedules are so very different so most of the time you're either home alone or everyone is in their room. I am the only one that gets up at 6 so I am never rushed for the bathroom.
As you can imagine, it is very artistic and full of wonderful energy.

Kitty is the only animal in the house and the girls love her and welcome her to roam the house. She is in heaven!! The first couple of nights she could not settle down because of the excitement. Finally Monday night she laid down and was out cold within seconds and even began snoring! Just like a child, She had me
laughing.
Grady has two dogs that sometimes come with her to the house, but I figure the place is large enough it will not be an issue. Plus eventually I might start letting her back outside since we live in a pretty quite neighborhood.

We have a backyard and covered front and back porch. My commute as doubled to an hour, which I am trying to get used to, but the pros out weigh the commute.
The only real bad thing is that since everyone mostly stays in their room or is never home the house is disgustingly dirty -like so bad some parts are as bad as being outside. It seems like the girls are starting to care tho and have mentioned some things they plan on doing in the next month during their various days off. I have swept the main areas I go which has made it tolerable for me.
I gave my room some fresh paint and a good cleaning before I moved in, so at least I am comfortable in one room.

Oh, and I only pay 250!! This is going to give me the opportunity to pay off my debt (which I could not see happening for years to come) and save like crazy. An idea I have is to pay the debt then save enough to the point I can quit my job and focus my energy on finding what I really want to do, which might include going back to school or getting a part time somewhere that points me towards my long term goal of working with children. Oh the possibilities!!

That's about it so far, but that's a lot!

2. My planned trip to CA
I already have the vacation days approved and kitty taken care of, so I just need to book my flight which will be probably within the week.
I was going to stop in AZ on my way out, but as some of you saw on my fb post, my "family" no longer welcomes me. It's ok. I knew the day when my crazy ways would no longer be accepted by them. It's sad, but I understand.
Anyhow, it leaves more time in CA!
I plan to fly out Friday 5/20 night and arrive early Sat morning, leaving the following Sunday night.

Plenty of time to see everyone and relax, after all, it is my vacation!

Much love to you all oxo

17 days

Shinee Pink arrives 2/6. Weeks sooner than originally planned. I am so excited!

The End.

5 months 12 days, but feels like forever.

During my first month here I kept starting then deleting what was to be my first post. I guess in fear that I would start it and then not continue.. much like many things in my life. That and the fact that putting things in writing makes it more permanent.

Anyhow a lot has happened and a lot has changed and while I have every intention to update this for whomever to read, tonight I just felt the need to write about right now.

I've been scared the last few days. This coming Saturday Suga Mama  leaves for CA for two months. I will be in the apartment alone. Although I am looking so forward to "stretching out" I am also scared to be so isolated.

I do not have a strong support system locally built yet and I can imagine myself retreating already.

Tonight I expressed these thoughts to Suga Mama and to Big A, of course both were totally supportive and of course I know I will work through this, but I don't want to just yet.

And then it hit me. I am going about this the wrong way. Yes I keep saying "I will be ok," and yes I know I will be, but why even play with the thoughts of not being ready for this or thinking about how much alone time I may have?

I am ready to have time alone.

It is time for me to go one step deeper into independence before my partner in crime, Shinee Pink, gets here in mid-February.

I am taking long deep breaths in preparation for this new time coming, because I need this.

I guess I felt the need to start writing now because I can feel the next stage coming and didn't want to miss documenting it.
I am not sure why this transition is causing so much static, but I am letting go of control and awknowleding it will work out the way its supposed to, just like everything else has.