5 months 12 days, but feels like forever.

During my first month here I kept starting then deleting what was to be my first post. I guess in fear that I would start it and then not continue.. much like many things in my life. That and the fact that putting things in writing makes it more permanent.

Anyhow a lot has happened and a lot has changed and while I have every intention to update this for whomever to read, tonight I just felt the need to write about right now.

I've been scared the last few days. This coming Saturday Suga Mama  leaves for CA for two months. I will be in the apartment alone. Although I am looking so forward to "stretching out" I am also scared to be so isolated.

I do not have a strong support system locally built yet and I can imagine myself retreating already.

Tonight I expressed these thoughts to Suga Mama and to Big A, of course both were totally supportive and of course I know I will work through this, but I don't want to just yet.

And then it hit me. I am going about this the wrong way. Yes I keep saying "I will be ok," and yes I know I will be, but why even play with the thoughts of not being ready for this or thinking about how much alone time I may have?

I am ready to have time alone.

It is time for me to go one step deeper into independence before my partner in crime, Shinee Pink, gets here in mid-February.

I am taking long deep breaths in preparation for this new time coming, because I need this.

I guess I felt the need to start writing now because I can feel the next stage coming and didn't want to miss documenting it.
I am not sure why this transition is causing so much static, but I am letting go of control and awknowleding it will work out the way its supposed to, just like everything else has.