Sunday, June 19, 2011

Hobby please.

I've always been happy dabbling in everything, trying new things and fitting in with different crowds. Now that I have lived here over 10.5 months, still without a lot of friends, I really need to tune into what I want to do with my free time.
If I don't preplan things I end up not doing anything or opposite from what I should be doing.
This weekend I watched 2 seasons of 12 1 hour episodes of Sons of Anarchy (great FX channel show but needs more sex). Yup. Almost 24 hours of tv straight. I don't usually watch programs because that's what happens when I find a new show I love. Then I am left in a dream world wondering what my life would be if I was in that life.
I'm also left heart broken because I usually am not able to stream all seasons due to the channel not releasing them - and I haven't pirated video in a few years.

Anyhow, I would like to find my calling soon as I'm getting a little restless and starting to get wonderlust.

Monday, June 6, 2011

First day back.

Had a session with my trainer today. Felt good to be active again- my body was trying to figure out what was going on after weeks of nothing.

She has dropped many inches and made me jealous. She said she has changed her diet and has been doing more floor work. It came about after her sister, who she hadn't seen in a long time, commented how big she was. She is Chinese and has a slightly bigger build so has been made fun of most her life for not being like the others and therefore has low self esteem.. go figure, even trainers have body issues. She is looking so lean and fabulous.

We always have great conversation as she is easy to talk to and brings a lot out of me that I can't easily say to others. It's as tho I can use her to outwardly express all the things I know deep down but am too scared to say or don't want to say.

I was able to get a lot out today that has been weighing on me and hopefully will clear my mind for steps I need to take to get back to getting to my goals.

I will get there.

The weight of it all.

Every morning is supposed to be the first day I start walking again. I keep reminding myself how I used to do it, I can do it and will do it, but these little pep talks yield no return. This morning I even got as far as putting my sports bra and t-shirt on.
I thought that having a trainer would do it but when he left the substitute just didn't cut it. I'm trying to forget the ridiculous price I paid.
When I see the clock at 5:15am, nothing says to me "get up and exercise." I love sleep too much for that shit.
And then there is my diet... I know what I need and should be doing, but apparently haven't accepted the fact that I can't eat the same way others do without counteracting it some way.
I feel gross.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Left from right

Sometimes I get me not being worth loving and them not being worth loving confused.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Size doesn't matter??

I never imagine my size as what I truely am. My fiend Alma is a gorgeous latina with some serious hips and ass. I don't see myself that much bigger than her aside from my belly but in reality I wear a pant size 10, shirt l and she wears a size 4 pant, shirt xs.

I was feeling confident about my outfit today- black fitted pants with a pink thin sweater. When I saw my reflection in the mirror at dinner I felt ashamed.

Why is it so hard to be happy with myself?

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Train talk.

I spend a lot of time on the train, at least 2 hours of my day. During that time it's mostly quiet. The passengers are usually still fighting to wake up or are so exhausted from their day that they are fighting to stay awake. It's rare to make eye contact except from the occasional few that are just plain staring.

Mornings are great for what I call "the crazy train." That's apparently when the good lord speaks the most through his people. Correction: yells through his people. Somehow I have the exact same morning  schedule and throught process for train selection as others because I often wind up on the train with the exact same crazies.
I can only laugh when said people go on and on(often making no sense) and then pick up their bags to get off at their stop as if nothing had just happened. I like to imagine what kind of job position they hold.

Yesterday a child was yelling (granted the kid was at his developmental stage where all they do is yell) and his father told him to quiet down while on the train and I thought to myself, why is it that as a society we will gawk and glare when a child (who is still learning how to have self control) is loud but when a fully grown adult is making a scene we close our eyes and pretend not to notice?

Evening trains are when the pan handlers and performers come out. The women that just ask for money  usually have a starving child at home and the men claim to need help to get their act together. Yes some of them are honest, but when I smile and say "not tonight" please don't stand there, make yourself cry and then beg the lord for forgiveness. It doesn't help.

Guitars, keyboards, drums, electric saxophone, accordion, yes I've seen a variety of instruments played in the train - some well and the others I often have to question if the instrument is broken or if the person really sucks that bad.

Young men often have dance routines to display. Using the poles and bars to do flips from.

There are also the bootleg dvds (usually sold by Koreans and are pornographic), candy bars/ fruit snacks and incense sellers.

The talent and degree of begging changes with the train and demographic it travels towards but is most concentrated in Manhattan up too the early 100's where all types of people are riding- wouldn't make sense to seek help from the poor.

My current train is very quiet except for the occasional adolescent getting overly expressive. I usually get a seat both ways which helps since my back continues to give me issues and the ride is long.

All but 15 minutes of the ride is above ground allowing me to see some fantastic views of the Manhattan skyline, Brooklyn and queens. My favorite morning was when the air was thick of fog and a light lawyer of snow covered the cemetery.

It's comforting to see familiar faces when traveling. Eases some of the loneliness I often feel when I realize I'm not in Kansas anymore.

I love not having to drive myself everywhere but also hate that some things aren't as convenient without my own transportation living as far as I do.

I used to spend just over a hour driving to SF to party. Now I spend just over a hour on the train to get to work.

When I first moved here it was 89$ but bumped to 104$ for a monthly unlimited pass (or 2.25 per ride) in January. Most corporations offer a discount or partial pay benefits, but of course not the one I work for. The pass is good for the train(subway) and busses(excluding special express ones). It's a lot less expensive than the long island or new jersey railroad which each cost over 300 a month- those are more like Amtrak type trains and more well kept.

Ok, enough train nonsense.